It's difficult to explain something that you don't understand all that well. Living in this world, full of great mysteries and wonders, I sometimes wish I could just spend my time thinking about them and not worry about the other things. Over the summer, I retreated from the city and decided to take solace in a residence where I worked. I liked doing this, I enjoyed the solitude and being able to be alone with my own thoughts.
I spent most of my time reading books that were in my collection but have not been touched. I also watched films whenever I wanted, and wrote in between all of these. When I wanted to see my family or my friends, I simply went home and spent time with them. This probably couldn't have happened if I wasn't financially secure which I was, being able to have a full time job that paid well but wasn't too demanding, I didn't have to go home thinking about work, I could turn it off like a faucet.
But of course summer came to a close, I was feeling very optimistic after my experience at residence; I came facing the real world with a new found philosophy or so I thought.
One thing that I can never seem to shake is feeling the expectations from others on what I should do with my life. I've been told many times to get a job, make money, find some sort of direction. I suppose when summer ended and reality crept in, I started forgetting what I learned. When it was time to move from my old house into a new place, our old landlords were unhappy with the way we left the place, they were going to keep our damage deposit plus they were threatening us with more money we were going to owe them.
This put a damper on my new beginning I was trying to start for myself. I was excited about moving in to my new place, I made up a den in the downstairs, yet as time went by, I started feeling down, I'm not sure how to explain it, but I was struggling to get up in the morning the first few weeks living here. Thanksgiving came and went, I wasn't feeling any better, I had this bleak feeling inside of me that wasn't going away, I didn't know what to do, I didn't even know who to talk to about it.
More time went by, some days I felt better, other days, I was sad. I had to find a new job, yet I couldn't bring myself to look, by luck I got one at Chapters just when I needed it.
Soon things were looking up, I went to my new job and I felt better, I actually enjoyed parts of it, I wasn't dreading it. I did a weekend of Bullskit which also cheered me up, it was so good to hear people laughing and doing a show with friends, I could feel myself coming out of my depression slowly but surely.
Today I woke up surprised and delighted to see snow on the ground. I don't know what it is, but there's something almost reassuring to see snow on the ground, it reminded me of how things come and go, and it was nice seeing it again.
I had not unpacked all my stuff since I moved in, my room has been full of boxes, I just didn't have the energy to do anything about it. I was in a stupor, I couldn't concentrate and get on with the work that had to be done, but something finally snapped in me, and I felt the urge to get on with it. I finally unpacked my stuff, I made my room livable, it's finally starting to look like home. I feel much happier just looking at my room and outside. I haven't read a book since I moved in, and I finally felt like reading one, and of course that one book had to be Dickens.
I don't know why I was in such a negative mood for such a long time, there were days when I actually thought I was dying, I knew it was all in my head. It had been a long time since I felt like that, and I actually thought I was over feeling it.
What I do understand from feeling that way is that life isn't always certain, and neither is happiness, but what I was doing wasn't living, I wanted to stay in bed all day, I didn't want to face the world, it was becoming too difficult. But one thing I had to realize was things like this must pass, I was going to be okay, I didn't want to be afraid anymore, and most importantly I wanted to get on with my life.
Living is actually a courageous thing, there are so many things and people out there that can hurt us, yet we choose to face them, sometimes it becomes overwhelming, and that's when we just have to remember all things must pass, and we can go on living again. We get sad, we get down, but life doesn't stop just because we want it to. I sometimes struggle to remember that, right now I'm happy, and looking out, I'm excited about the new possiblities surrounding me, don't forget that life is a struggle, but it's all for days like these, when you can witness snow on the ground and get the courage to finish moving into your room.
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