I few days ago, I was feeling nostalgic, I was thinking about the past, my old glory days of high school, if one could call them glory days. I suppose I was mostly thinking of the people I knew back then, all of them I'm somewhat sorry to say I have not kept in touch with at all. My last link to the old high school days ended about five years ago, although it seems like a lifetime ago, that last link deserves a blog entry of its own which I shall save for another day perhaps when I'm not quite sober.
However I digress, I decided to use the magical tool of Facebook just to see how some of my old clan was doing. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, perhaps I was trying to see if time had actually stood still since the last time I saw these people, or more realsitically perhaps to see where their lives were at compared to mine.
I was a little nervous at my endeavor, I realized my life hadn't reached its full potential, I would consider myself as someone who is generally happy but has yet to find his place in the world. I know people today who seem content with their lives, who seem to have gotten exactly what they wanted from the world. I can't help but envy those people, perhaps I'm making assumptions here but they to me have always looked to have found they answers they were looking for.
I had a friend once who I believed was the smartest person in the world. She often told me I did too much thinking, she probably had a point, I liked to over analyze things and that probably hindered me from enjoying myself from time to time. She had a way of looking at things simply, she was still intuitive, clever, and thoughtful, but she didn't let anything get in her way from being happy. The last time I heard from her, it sounded like she got exactly what she wanted, there's not doubt in my mind she found her happiness, and I know she would want me to feel the same, that was just the kind of person I remember her being.
I suppose my venture into nostalgia the other night was simply because I was missing that feeling from my youth. I was missing the time I shared with those people, bad memories ended up overtaking that time in my life, I sometimes forget the good ones.
I decided to look up some facebook profiles of these people just to see how they were doing and just to see if they were happy. I was no disappointed, most of them it seemed have moved on and gotten married. One of my best friends from high school who was a hockey nut even has his own radio hockey show which I have now become a fan of on Facebook. Some of those who have gotten married have also seemed to have kids as well. I felt very happy seeing their photos, some of them I knew would get married and have kids, it just fit for them.
Afterwards, a great feeling of relief and sadness came over me, I suppose it came from the idea that all these people I knew who represented my youth had grown older, time had not stood still for them, I saw them as adults now with more resposibilities than they ever had in high school. Part of me wanted to pick up the phone and give them a call, but it was so long ago, our lives are now different, I guess I wanted to keep them as a memory, as part of my youth.
I haven't really talked about my past with the people I know today. I'm not sure why that is, I guess there are still things about it I still find difficult to talk about. I suppose my past hasn't really come up in conversation which could be another factor. Perhaps the past is just something that could best be remembered with the people you lived it with, or maybe it's just something I was to selfishly remember on my own. There is still a lot about my past I don't like to remember, but most of it is something I can now look back on with fondness.
A few nights ago I decided to watch a film by Jean-Luc Godard entitled "Vivre Sa Vie". It was a new film I hadn't seen before, in it, there is a scene where the lead character is having a conversation with a philosopher. The two begin to talk about love, and philosopher says that love is something that must be searched for. I suppose it is difficult to know exactly what love is, it made me think of all the people I have loved in my life, I can honestly say the people and things I love dearly matter the most to me today, but I can also honestly say my search isn't over.
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